PIG TALES HMS JUNO

I have to admit that I was morally torn between the two titles; Pig Tales or Wardroom Wankers. After much mental torment, I chose Pig Tales as a mark of respect for my superior officers. I beg you all to send in your stories of Commissioned Cockups, anything from the Ministry of Silly Salutes, Wardroom Wallies or Dartmouth Dumbo's. Your anonymity will be respected and only your email address, home address and telephone number with your name, rate and official number will be published.

Our first story concerns a Lt. Cdr. Gash, apparently pronounced Gaysh who joined Bulwark in Aden on its way out to the FES. Bulwark was anchored out for security reasons as the marines were locked in mortal combat with one of the market traders in the city center. Lt. Cdr. Gash, pronounced Gaysh had not been on board long before a pipe was heard from the bosun's mate saying, "Will Lt. Cdr. Gash please come to the quarterdeck."

When he arrived, Lt. Cdr. Gash, pronounced Gaysh gave the bosun's mate a rollicking and told him his name is pronounced Gaysh and he would do well to remember that.

"But," stuttered the bosun's mate, "It's got you down on the list as Lt. Cdr. Gash."

"I don't care what it has got down on there boy, it is not pronounced Gash. It is pronounced Gaysh, G - A - Y - S -H, GAYSH," and with that Lt. Cdr. now Gaysh stomped off back to his pink gin and peanuts..

Five minutes later there was another pipe from the bosun's mate. "The Gaysh barge is now in attendance on the port side." -

2. On Manxman, open bridge with patio awning, all hands were piped to Action Stations. This meant for this exercise, full anti flash and gas masks.

The Captain, a Captain Hope, nice bloke, looked around the bridge to check all was ready and noticed that the SCO was no where to be seen. The SCO was a Lt. S****-*** from rich stock and had only just scraped into the human race because of family connections.

"Where's A****r," boomed the Skipper and on cue, Lt. ***** ***** appeared, apparently determined to make a fashion statement.

For action stations he had chosen to wear, and starting at the bottom, white plimsoles, black trousers striped with black silk down the sides and meticulously tucked into odd striped rugby stockings, one green, one red; a number eight shirt with only one button down the front and no buttons on the cuffs and on which, one shoulder badge was missing and the other flapping in the breeze. Working up further, his anti flash head gear was around his neck but not over his head and his cap perched on top of his head instead of a tin helmet.. His gas mask was missing, presumed stolen, and he had brought up with him some cotton wool to hold over his mouth and nose in case of a gas attack. Obviously a man who can think on his feet.

Just as the Captain was giving him an enormous bollocking and A**** was making his excuses for being late, " but I was just finishing of a letter to Daddy before the mail closed," a gust of wind blew the white plastic covering of his hat off and he stood there with just a peak, a badge and a bamboo halo rounding off a spectacle that I for one, was proud to witness.- submitted by Pusser Hills

A young silverspoon in the mouth gunnery officer, first ship as "guns" was in HMS Troubridge (cant recall his name, truly). It was 1964 or 65.

Doing an aircraft tracking exercise off Malta, so long ago it was a meteor jet!!

Young "guns" on the g.d.p. had his headseat on askew, looking a real lemon, with one round earpiece over one eye, the other half on the edge of one ear, he then picked up a microphone and

called into it "alarm aircraft red nine zero." the captain called out; "your on the main broadcast, gunnery officer.

For the next half hour as the meteor repeatedly went about and made attack after attack, young guns desperately tried to get the procedure right and orders out in time, but failed... "alarm aircraft red nine zero (in posh voice), bofors engage, check-check-check" as once again, the meteor whizzed overhead before the bofors gun could point in the right direction. It really was, a sight to behold!

Cabin Flat

Not only can I not remember his name but I'm not sure which ship either
(might have been Juno). Anyway, we were painting the cabin flat and
there was a gunnery Lt Cdr who was a right bastard. We took special care
and time painting outside his cabin with a paint pot strategically hanging
at head height outside his door. He had to come out sometime .. it was
worth the wait .. got the bastard eventually

On Manxman, we were bobbing about on some ocean when the skipper asked the Navigating Officer, "How we doing Navigating Officer?"

"I think fine Sir," said the Navigating Officer, " In two hours we should be off Fuckit."

The skipper looked across at him and said, "Foo Kay, Navigating Officer - please - Foo Kay."

6. Painting the Mess

I think the following happened on the Matapan in early 1977. We were
ordered to paint the mess about three months before the ship was to be
turned into razor blades (typical I hear you say). As you can imagine
there wasn't much enthusiasm, and anyway we quite liked the nicotine yellow
the way it was thank you very much. We were about 10% complete and behind
schedule when the 1st Lt is doing rounds one night.
Duty RO (I wish I could remember his name) "Mess ready for rounds sir"
1st Lt "And how are we getting on with the painting?" (he had eyes, he had
them open, he could see we hadn't done a lot)
Duty RO "Well we've done the yellow up to there [pointing], just got to
finish that white bit in the corner".
Stifled laughter from the troops while the 1st Lt went different shades of
red then stormed off.
Duty RO in the shit, but hell it was worth it. submitted by Robbie Monoghan

7. Ice cream

The skipper and the two ringer Doc on board Hydra enjoyed a bit of banter.
We had been at sea for a few days and the skipper was bored so he picked
up the tannoy mic and announced "Ice cream is now on sale at the Sickbay"
which resulted in OD's legging it to the Sickbay and the Doc trying to
explain it was a joke.

Locker door versus wedding tackle (1-0 to Locker door)

Ship etc unknown but it was sometime between 1970 and 1977.
Duty officer doing rounds one night. Someone has left their locker door
open which happened to be at the bottom of the mess ladder. Officer slips
halfway down but luckily, by straddling his crotch on the locker door, it broke his fall .... rounds abandoned!

The British Military writes EPR's an officer fitness reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his [family jewels] from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

After having a wee, and was washing his hands he said, "I am an Officer and I was taught at Dartmouth to wash my hands after going to the loo"

The Tiff finished and while washing his hands he said, "I am a Tiff and I was taught to wash my hands for hygiene purposes at Caledonia".

Then the RO3 finished, put himself away and lit up a fag and said, "I went to Ganges and we were taught not to piss on our fucking hands"