Glut of jokes submitted by Paul Guezenec
Something for the weekend sir.
A young corporate executive was sent a ransom note saying that he was
to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock
the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.
He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from
behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two
hours late."
"Hey! Give me a break." whined the executive. "I have a 27 handicap."
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A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As
the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly
looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special
I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to
protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
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Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.
"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room.
It's plenty big for both of us."
"And how will you live?"
"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's
should be enough."
Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"
"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."
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A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car
smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the
driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
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A television may insult your intelligence but nothing rubs it in like
a
computer.
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I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I saw one where
they ask what is the worst thing you could receive on your twenty
fifth wedding anniversary?"
You know what the answer is? "Morning Sickness."
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In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to women's breasts?
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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the
workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the
rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew
building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us
the fucking bricks," replied the little girl.
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"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you
again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a
60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she
got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go
outside to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
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A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off.
He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after
careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for
$2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000.
I realise it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with
your
wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly
at the floor.
"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife
says she'd rather have a new kitchen."
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So this private on a military base in Alaska gets a real itch and
starts asking around. "There's no women here" says the first guy he
meets, "but there's always Bruce." Stunned, the private says "no way,
I don't go for none of that shit."
Later, he runs in to an old corporal who tells him the same thing -
"there's always Bruce." "Damn! No Way!" Says the private "I don't go
for none of that shit."
Time goes on and the private gets hornier and hornier but all anyone
can say is "there's always Bruce" and his "I don't go for none of that
shit" gets weaker and weaker. Eventually, he breaks down.
"OK, ok" he asks in desperation. "If I go see Bruce, how many people
will know?"
"Seven" says his friend. "Seven! How can that be? How do you get
seven?"
"Well" says his buddy, "there's you, there's me, there's Bruce and
four guys to hold him down because Bruce don't go for none of that
shit either."
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Mommy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage,
the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mommy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly
leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens.
"What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mommy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoiled, Son."
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SPORTING QUOTES...
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
(NZ Rugby commentator)
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and
it was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain
off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's
substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with
Ireland in Seville,
1992)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and
flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up
and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which
is identical"
(Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again"
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it
all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing
the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times
are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."
(Metro Radio)
" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in
football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them
........... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(USTV commentator)
"If you'd offered me a 69 at the start this morning I'd have been all
over you."
Sam Torrance (Golfer), BBC2
"Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and
skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the street."
Radio 1 Newsbeat
"It was the fastest-ever swim over that distance on American soil."
Greg Phillips, Portsmouth News
"...fears that the balloon may be forced to ditch in the Pacific. Mr
Branson, however, remains buoyant and hopes to reach America..."
Radio 4 News
"And Nakano tries to avoid being passed by his teammate Trulli, which
should in fact be quite easy, because Trulli is going more slowly than
his teammate Nakano"
Murray Walker, ITV
"A fascinating duel between 3 men..."
David Coleman, Hammer Throw, World Athletics, BBC
"I'm glad two sides of the cherry have been put forward"
Geoff Boycott, Radio 5 Live
"There are the boys, their balls between their legs"
Amanda Redington, GMTV
"Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him"
Commentator at Spar Athletics
"Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue trousers,
white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat"
Renton Laidlaw
"The advantage of the rain is, that if you have a quick bike, there's
no advantage"
Barry Sheene
"Her legs are kept tightly together: she's giving nothing away"
Gymnastics commentator, BBC1
"Moreano thought that the full back was gonna come up behind and give
him one really hard"
Ron Atkinson
"Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman"
Brian Moore
"I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish"
Ian St John
"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored"
Terry Venables
"The Croatians don't play well without the ball"
Barry Venison
"Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders"
Kevin Keegan
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose"
Kevin Keegan
"I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except
that it's completely different"
Kevin Keegan
"Zidane is not very happy, because he's suffering from the wind"
Ron Atkinson
"They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot
to carry on their shoulders"
Ron Atkinson
"The swimmers are swimming out of their socks."
Sharron Davies
"In cycling, you can put all your money on one horse."
Stephen Roche, Eurosport
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison, ITV
"In life he was a living legend; in death, nothing has changed."
Live TV
"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright, ITV
"It's amazing how, in this part of the world, history has been part of
its past."
David Duffy, Eurosport
"Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball"
Ian St John
"They (Leeds) used to be a bit like Arsenal, winning by one goal to
nil - or even less."
Nasser Hussain, Channel 5
"So, this movie you star in, The Life Story of George Best, tell us
what it's about."
George Gavin, Sky Sport
"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a
few weeks ago"
David Coleman
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"
David Coleman
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the
race, only exactly the opposite"
Murray Walker
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't
underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought"
Bobby Robson
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand"
David Coleman
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in
Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
Ian Rush
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think
Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalised"
Ian McNail
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat"
Ron Atkinson
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
Frank Bruno
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
David Coleman
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"
David Coleman
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are
running"
Ron Pickering
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round
numbers"
Murray Walker
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales"
Ron Greenwood
"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a
stress fracture of the shin"
Jo Sheldon
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation"
Ron Pickering
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect"
Ted Lowe
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm
right behind him"
Stuart Pearson
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
Marlon Starling
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge"
John Snagge - Boat Race
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - is absolutely
round."
Tony Cozier