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1.Freudian Slip
A man arrives in his office one morning to find his colleague roaring
with laughter. "What's the big joke?" the man asks.
"Well" his colleague replies, "I had a hilarious Freudian slip this
morning."
"What's a Freudian slip?" asks the man.
"It's when you mean to say something, but what comes out iswhat is really on your mind. So, this morning I was queuing at the train station
to buy a ticket from Tooting, and I noticed that the girl behind the counter
had enormous breasts. When I got to the front of the queue, I asked
for a return to Titting.
The girl went bright red, I went bright red and the
entire queue wet themselves laughing."
"Oh right" said the colleague chuckling away.
The next morning, the situation was reversed and the man arrived in the officefirst. He was chortling away to himself when his colleague
arrived.
"What's so funny?" asked the colleague.
"Well," replied the man, "I've had one of your Freudian slips."
"What happened?"
"I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast.I looked over at my wife and instead of saying 'Pass the milk, dear' I said
'F*ck off you fat bitch, you've ruined my life'.
2. Say it with flowers
A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers
from her husband.
"I suppose I'll have to spend the entire week-end on my back withmy legs in the air," she moaned.
"Why," said her friend, "Don't you have a vase?"
3. Punk
A young punker gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked,
multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes
are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings
are big bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old
man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets
self conscious and spits at the old man:"What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything
wild when you were young?!"
Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I
was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I
thought maybe you was my son."
4. Slap Happy
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a fit
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a darktunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark
on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me andby mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn
must have slapped his face".
2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands onthe blonde and she smacked him".
3) The Frenchman thought - "That f**king Englishman put his hand onthat blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so Ican smack that French twat again".
5. Logic
Paddy and Murphy were standing in a pub knocking back a few pints when
another Irishman came in wearing a very expensive suit. "Look at that
suit Murphy; that must have cost a few punts."
"You're right there Paddy you are. I wonder what job he's got
that he can afford such luxuries?"
(Scuse my accents, I am OK with Devonshire accents but not to hot on
Irish, Scottish, Pakistani or Milton Keynes accents.)
"Ask him then Murph."
"You ask him Paddy."
"I'm not asking him," said Murphy, "its too embarrassing."
Eventually the Irish man in the expensive suit went to the Gents and
Paddy decided that it was now or never and followed him in.
"Excuse me," said Paddy, "I couldn't help noticing the expensive
suit you're wearing and
wondered what job you have that allows you to buy
such luxuries."
"Well," said the Irishman in the quality suit, "I am a
Doctor of Logic."
"Wow," said Paddy, "That sounds a really important job. But
what does a Doctor of Logic do?"
"Oil give you an example," (Accents coming along nicely now), said the
Doctor of Logic and asked Paddy if he had any fish.
"Oi have fish," said Paddy.
"Do your fish live in a pond or a gold fish bowl."
"Dey live in a pond at the bottom of the garden," said Paddy.
"Well," said the Doctor, "from just that information I can deduce that you
probably live in a large house as you have a pond........"
"Dat's right," said Paddy amazed.
".....and as you have a large house you probably have a large family........"
"Dats right," said Paddy.
"....and as you have a large family then you probably have a good sex life....."
"Dats right too," said Paddy.
"...and as you have a good sex life then you probably don't need to
masturbate."
"Well that true too, " said Paddy.
"So you can see that from just knowing you have fish living in a pond,
I was able to deduce all the other information and that is why I am a
Doctor of Logic." And with that the Doctor did his flies up and left the pub.
Paddy went back inside the pub and told Murphy that the owner of the
expensive suit was a Doctor of Logic.
"What's a Doctor of Logic," asked a puzzled
Murphy.
"You telling me you don't know what a Doctor of Logic does?" said Paddy,
"Then oil give you an example.Have you any fish?"
"No," said Murphy.
"Then you're a wanker."
6. Gloves
A young matelot wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday and as they had not been dating very long he sought advice
from her sister.
After careful consideration, and bearing in mind some advice from the sister, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,
he went to Marks and Spencer's and bought a pair of white gloves. The
sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the
items and the sister got the gloves leaving the panties togo to the sweetheart..
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in
the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with
the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish
I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance tosee you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away asthey will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will
kiss them during the coming year !
All my love,Bungy
P.S. I believe the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
7.Newly Weds
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newlywed, want to join a church.
The pastor says:"We ask all parishioners to abstain from sex
for two weeks."
Two weeks later, they all come back. The pastor asks the elderly
couple:"Did you abstain from sex for two weeks?" The man replies:"Yes, noproblem at all."
"Welcome to the church! the pastor says.
Next he asks the middle-aged pair the same question. The man replies:"I had to sleepon the sofa for a couple of nights, but we made it."
"Welcome to the church! the pastor says.
Finally he asks the newlyweds: "Did you abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Im afraid not, pastor,the man replies sadly. "My wife bent over to pick up a tin ofpaint. I was overcome with lust and
took advantage of her."
"You realise, of course, this means you're not welcome in ourchurch," explains the pastor.
"We know," says the man. "We're not welcome at Homebase any more either."
8. DHSS
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for
Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his
wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed tohave left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. Shesays, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and
she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about hisexperience at the Social Security office.
"Oh," she said, "You should have dropped your
pants. You might have qualified for disability, too."
9. Base Rates
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with
2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week thanthe previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,turned around and shouted, "And Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
10. George Bush v Saddam
Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush
to tell him about it. "I had a dream about the United States. I could
see the whole country and over every building and home
was a banner," said Hussein.
"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.
"LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN!" answered the Iraqi president.
"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush,"because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it
was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over
every building and home was a
big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.
"I don't know," answered President Bush, " I can'tread Hebrew."
11. Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork
during his tour of Ireland.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner,unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young fella!"
As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out ofhis top pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man.
"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Jaysus, says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tinkof everything!"
12. Service
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic,
"It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
13. China
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning
to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orderssome tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctorsays, "I've gotbad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about
it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican
docta! Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that
way.
No need to opelate!"
"Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You
no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself."
14. Billy Doo
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Wouldyou prefer me on my back or kneeling?
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
submitted by George Laybourne
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning
to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some
tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got
bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about
it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican
docta! Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that
way.
No need to opelate!"
"Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You
no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself."submitted by Paul Guezenec
There was this old married couple who had been happily married for
40 years!
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of loudly farting every morning as he awoke. The noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off as it was making her
sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a Doctor as she was concerned that
one day he was going to fart his guts out. The years went by and he continued to
rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was downstairs preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had just put the turkey innards and neck, gizzards, liver and all
the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
went upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and gently pulling back
the bed covers she slid down his underpants at the back and emptied the
bowl of turkey guts into them.
Several hours later she heard her husband waken with his
usual arise ripping trumpeting and this was followed by a blood curdling scream
and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing with tears in her eyes. After years of torture she
reckoned she had got her own back.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I
didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean," asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out and today it finally happened. But ... by the grace of God,
some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of
the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little
boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she
sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts.
"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up
believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he
gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she
invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and
grinding on the sofa, she says,
"You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have
teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her
legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies,
"Well, with the condition of those gums , I'm not surprised!"
An old country doctor was called out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was really far away and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother
and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a
lantern high so that he could see while he helped the woman deliver the
baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom
to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!" the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't
have crawled up there in the first place!"
Andy & Adam were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three.
After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Andy came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take
the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Adam's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Andy to the bartender. They downed
them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Andy got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Adam's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.
They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more. "I just can't do this anymore", Andy whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much."
"It's all right for you", Adam replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse called.
Three Italian Nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies you all led such wonderful
lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you would like to be."
The first Nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and "poof" she's
gone.
The second Nun says, "I want to be Madonna," and "poof" she's gone.
The third Nun say's, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"
St. Peter looks complexed. "Who?," he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the Nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't
ring a bell."
The Nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.... "No, sister, this say's 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in
six months.
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time
and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't
let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that but,
don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to
like that but, don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have
his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do
that,
it will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
Upon returning home, later that night, the girl could not wait to tell
her grandmother about the date. She told her grandmother that her
date went just like she said. Then she noted, "I did not let him
disgrace
the family. When he tried to do that, I just got on top of him and
disgraced his family!"
It's the first day of school and a new student, the son of
a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
he saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his
hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the
people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of
his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to
talk to a youngster, the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice
whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child
would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message
with the person who should
be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" The
boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to
Daddy and Mommy and the
fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard
what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now
alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The
search team just landed in the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little
frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along
with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
25. The Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face absolutely covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge
forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him
tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked."Yes, YES, YES !!!!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking" didn't"
26. Supportive
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he
whispered, eyes filling with tears."You know what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you comforted me. When my business
failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health.
When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat. Now myhealth has started failing and you are still right by my side... You
know what?""What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth."I think you're bad luck. why don't you fuck off."
27. German Sailor
A young lady in a pub was approached by a German Sailor.
"Excuse me madam, Would you like to go to bed with the finest lover maker
in the world."
"Never heard that chat up line before," said the lady.
"I can assure you madam, that if you make love to me, it
will be the best experience you have ever had."
As the evening wore on, and after several more drinks, the young lady
became more curious and just as the pub was closing she agreed
to put him to the test as after all, she thought, he was a good looking
man.
She took the German Sailor home and they went upstairs to bed.
"Now," said the German sailor, " You must do exactly what I
tell you to do."
"OK," she said, even more intrigued.
"First you must put these springs on your hands and feet," and with that
he produced the springs from his great coat and helped attach them
to her hands and feet."
They started making love, with her on all fours, bouncing up and
down on the springs when suddenly he shouted out, "Quick, start
quacking like a duck."
She was so carried away that she did immediately as she was told.
"Quack, quack, quack," she went and then had an orgasm that
nearly blew her head off.
"Wow," she exclaimed, "You were right. That was the best
love making I have ever had or ever likely to get again; how on
earth do you do it."
"Well," said the German sailor, "It's all down to
Four Spring Duck Technique".
Sadly, Merv was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in
business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a
new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting. But at the end of the interview, Merv asked him,"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no
ears," came the reply.
Merv did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question:"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Merv again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young
man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome and he
seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was
anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man
answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"Merv was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.
The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to
wear glasses with no fucking ears!"Robbie
It was the last dustbin collection before Christmas for the refuse collectors and
they knocked on the doors to wish the occupants a Merry Christmas, hoping
to get a tip (that was not the joke) for Christmas.
They came to the Smith's house and a dustman banged on the door.
"Merry Christmas madam," said the dustman and was greatly surprised when
he was pulled into the hall, taken up stairs where he watched in amazement as
Mrs. Smith, a gorgeous blonde, stripped and pulled him on top of her.
He staggered back to the lorry and told his mate what had happened.
Straight away his mate rushed up and banged on the door and the same thing happened.
He too staggered back to the lorry and told the driver that he had just been seduced
by a buxom blonde all for wishing her a Merry Christmas.
The driver leapt out of the cab and banged on the door. "Merry Christmas madam," siad the
driver. "And a Merry Christmas to you too," said Mrs. Smith and gave him a ten pound
note.
"Excuse me for asking," said the driver, but why do I get ten pounds and my mates
are taken up to your bedroom and get sex with you."
"Well," said Mrs. Smith, "Just before my husband went to work this morning he said,
"If those bleeding dustbin men come around for a Christmas tip, give the driver
ten pounds and fuck the rest."
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front
of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror,
now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the
husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try
anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every
day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse, didn't it?"
A young couple met for the first time in a pub and got on really well.
They had a great night and then all too soon it was time to go home.
The young man was concerned for the young girls safety and
volunteered to walk his new girlfriend home.
The eventually arrived outside her house and had their first
tentative and fumbling kiss - more of a peck really.
She said good night to him and just as she was heading for
the front door to her home the young man asked
if he could quickly use the lavatory.
"I dare not let you in," said the girl in dismay, "because my
parents will go really mad if they know I have
been out with a boyfriend."
"But," said the boy, hopping up and down with discomfort, "they
must be in bed fast asleep by now."
"It's no use," said the girl, "my Dad will definately hear you going
up the stairs."
"What am I going to do," wailed the boy, "I can't hold out
until I get home."
Suddenly she had an idea. "If you promise to be very quiet you
may go in the kitchen and use the sink but please do not make
a noise as my Dad will beat me."
With that they crept inside the house and the boy went into the
kitchen and shut the door. The girl waited in the living room
for him to come out. She waited and waited and became
increasingly concerned that he hadn't come out again.
Eventually, she knocked gingerly on the kitchen door. "Are
you alright?" she whispered.
"Yep, I'm fine now". he whispered back. "You haven't by
any chance got a toilet roll."
There was a knock at the door. Malcolm got out of his c
hair and went to open it.
But when he opened the door there
was no one there.
"Shit," he thought. "Must be those bleedin'
kids again."
Just as he sat down again there was another knock
at the door.
He rushed to the front door and opened it but still he
could see no one.
"I'll catch the twats next," thought Malcolm and went
back to his chair.
Knock. Knock.
Malcolm virtually broke the land speed record getting to the
door but again when he opened it there was no one to be see. But
just as he was closing it he heard a little voice saying,
"Please could I come in. Just for a few minutes to warm up. It's so
cold and wet out here."
He looked down and there on the door step was a small
shivering snail with tears running from its eyes.
"Fuck off," said Malcolm compassionately and
slammed the door.
Knock. Knock. Again Malcolm opened the door and the little
snail sobbed," Please kind Sir, let me in for just a few moments to
get warm and dry. Its so cold and wet out here."
With that Malcolm gave the snail a really hefty kick and the snail
flew through the air and landed at the end of the garden. He
slammed the door shut and went back to his chair.
Eight months later, Malcolm heard a knock at the door.
It was the snail again and with its tiny voice said,
"Was that really fucking necessary?"
One day in a prep school the new young lady teacher
decided to introduce a system that when a child answered
a question correctly she would award them a small bag of sweets.
That morning, she stopped off at the local corner shop
and purchased several small bags of sweets and went off to the school.
"Good morning children," said
the teacher.
"Good morning Miss Shufflebottom," answered the
class. ( I made the name up to hide her real identity)
"I have decided to give each of you who answers a question
correctly a bag of sweets."
"Oooooh," said the class and she could see that each and everyone
of her children were all ears. (She was teaching the first ear class)
"The first question goes to Mary. Where does Queen Elizabeth live?"
"She lifs in Buckingham Palith Mith."
"Well done," said Miss Shufflebottom, "Here's your bag of
sweets. By the way, nice brace."
And the teacher went on asking questions until she came to
Tommy. (It's always Tommy that spoils it - little git)
"Tommy!" "Which big ship was sunk by an iceberg?"
"The Titanic," answered Tommy.
"Well done Tommy, that was a hard one - here's
your bag of sweets."
"I don't want any of your fucking sweets," said
Tommy politely.
"I beg your pardon," said a stunned
Miss Shufflebottom.
"I said, I don't want any of your
fucking sweets."
That evening after school, Miss Shufflebottom thought she
needed to have a word with Tommy's Mother and walked
around to Tommy's house and knocked on the door.
"Hello," said Miss Shuflebottom, "are you Tommy's Mother?"
"Yes I am," said a young rather sweet lady, smartly dressed
and nicely spoken. "Is there a problem?"
"Well, I am afraid there is," said the teacher. "I decided to
give a bag of sweets to each child that got a question right
and in fairness Tommy answered a very difficult question
correctly. Unfortunately when I gave him his reward of a
bag of sweets, he said "I don't want any of your fucking sweets.""
"Did he?"said Tommy's mother. "Well, If he doesn't want
any of your fucking sweets, don't give him any."
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says,
last year I got the measles
and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails,
says, "My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's
contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a
broad Irish voice, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a
two-inch brush and my Dad says
it will take the contagious"
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic
surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory
because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and lookedlike a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll
and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd
tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more likea Cornish pastie rather than toad in the hole.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three
roses at the end of the bed.
Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a
bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation
went so well and you were such a model patient that he wantedto say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such
a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the
first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to
say thank you for his new ears"