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1.Freudian Slip
A man arrives in his office one morning to find his colleague roaring
with laughter. "What's the big joke?" the man asks.
"Well" his colleague replies, "I had a hilarious Freudian slip this
morning."
"What's a Freudian slip?" asks the man.
"It's when you mean to say something, but what comes out iswhat is really on your mind. So, this morning I was queuing at the train station
to buy a ticket from Tooting, and I noticed that the girl behind the counter
had enormous breasts. When I got to the front of the queue, I asked
for a return to Titting.
The girl went bright red, I went bright red and the
entire queue wet themselves laughing."
"Oh right" said the colleague chuckling away.
The next morning, the situation was reversed and the man arrived in the officefirst. He was chortling away to himself when his colleague
arrived.
"What's so funny?" asked the colleague.
"Well," replied the man, "I've had one of your Freudian slips."
"What happened?"
"I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast.I looked over at my wife and instead of saying 'Pass the milk, dear' I said
'F*ck off you fat bitch, you've ruined my life'.
2. Say it with flowers
A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers
from her husband.
"I suppose I'll have to spend the entire week-end on my back withmy legs in the air," she moaned.
"Why," said her friend, "Don't you have a vase?"
3. Punk
A young punker gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked,
multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes
are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings
are big bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old
man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets
self conscious and spits at the old man:"What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything
wild when you were young?!"
Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I
was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I
thought maybe you was my son."
4. Slap Happy
In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a fit
looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several
minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a darktunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark
on his cheek.
1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me andby mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn
must have slapped his face".
2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands onthe blonde and she smacked him".
3) The Frenchman thought - "That f**king Englishman put his hand onthat blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so Ican smack that French twat again".
5. Logic
Paddy and Murphy were standing in a pub knocking back a few pints when
another Irishman came in wearing a very expensive suit. "Look at that
suit Murphy; that must have cost a few punts."
"You're right there Paddy you are. I wonder what job he's got
that he can afford such luxuries?"
(Scuse my accents, I am OK with Devonshire accents but not to hot on
Irish, Scottish, Pakistani or Milton Keynes accents.)
"Ask him then Murph."
"You ask him Paddy."
"I'm not asking him," said Murphy, "its too embarrassing."
Eventually the Irish man in the expensive suit went to the Gents and
Paddy decided that it was now or never and followed him in.
"Excuse me," said Paddy, "I couldn't help noticing the expensive
suit you're wearing and
wondered what job you have that allows you to buy
such luxuries."
"Well," said the Irishman in the quality suit, "I am a
Doctor of Logic."
"Wow," said Paddy, "That sounds a really important job. But
what does a Doctor of Logic do?"
"Oil give you an example," (Accents coming along nicely now), said the
Doctor of Logic and asked Paddy if he had any fish.
"Oi have fish," said Paddy.
"Do your fish live in a pond or a gold fish bowl."
"Dey live in a pond at the bottom of the garden," said Paddy.
"Well," said the Doctor, "from just that information I can deduce that you
probably live in a large house as you have a pond........"
"Dat's right," said Paddy amazed.
".....and as you have a large house you probably have a large family........"
"Dats right," said Paddy.
"....and as you have a large family then you probably have a good sex life....."
"Dats right too," said Paddy.
"...and as you have a good sex life then you probably don't need to
masturbate."
"Well that true too, " said Paddy.
"So you can see that from just knowing you have fish living in a pond,
I was able to deduce all the other information and that is why I am a
Doctor of Logic." And with that the Doctor did his flies up and left the pub.
Paddy went back inside the pub and told Murphy that the owner of the
expensive suit was a Doctor of Logic.
"What's a Doctor of Logic," asked a puzzled
Murphy.
"You telling me you don't know what a Doctor of Logic does?" said Paddy,
"Then oil give you an example.Have you any fish?"
"No," said Murphy.
"Then you're a wanker."
6. Gloves
A young matelot wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday and as they had not been dating very long he sought advice
from her sister.
After careful consideration, and bearing in mind some advice from the sister, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,
he went to Marks and Spencer's and bought a pair of white gloves. The
sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the
items and the sister got the gloves leaving the panties togo to the sweetheart..
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in
the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with
the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish
I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance tosee you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away asthey will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will
kiss them during the coming year !
All my love,Bungy
P.S. I believe the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
7.Newly Weds
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newlywed, want to join a church.
The pastor says:"We ask all parishioners to abstain from sex
for two weeks."
Two weeks later, they all come back. The pastor asks the elderly
couple:"Did you abstain from sex for two weeks?" The man replies:"Yes, noproblem at all."
"Welcome to the church! the pastor says.
Next he asks the middle-aged pair the same question. The man replies:"I had to sleepon the sofa for a couple of nights, but we made it."
"Welcome to the church! the pastor says.
Finally he asks the newlyweds: "Did you abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Im afraid not, pastor,the man replies sadly. "My wife bent over to pick up a tin ofpaint. I was overcome with lust and
took advantage of her."
"You realise, of course, this means you're not welcome in ourchurch," explains the pastor.
"We know," says the man. "We're not welcome at Homebase any more either."
8. DHSS
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for
Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his
wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed tohave left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. Shesays, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and
she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about hisexperience at the Social Security office.
"Oh," she said, "You should have dropped your
pants. You might have qualified for disability, too."
9. Base Rates
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with
2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week thanthe previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,turned around and shouted, "And Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
10. George Bush v Saddam
Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush
to tell him about it. "I had a dream about the United States. I could
see the whole country and over every building and home
was a banner," said Hussein.
"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.
"LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN!" answered the Iraqi president.
"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush,"because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it
was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over
every building and home was a
big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.
"I don't know," answered President Bush, " I can'tread Hebrew."
11. Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork
during his tour of Ireland.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner,unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young fella!"
As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out ofhis top pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man.
"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Jaysus, says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tinkof everything!"
12. Service
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic,
"It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
13. China
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning
to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orderssome tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctorsays, "I've gotbad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about
it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican
docta! Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that
way.
No need to opelate!"
"Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You
no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself."
14. Billy Doo
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, Wouldyou prefer me on my back or kneeling?
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
submitted by George Laybourne
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning
to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some
tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got
bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about
it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican
docta! Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that
way.
No need to opelate!"
"Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You
no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself."submitted by Paul Guezenec
There was this old married couple who had been happily married for
40 years!
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of loudly farting every morning as he awoke. The noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off as it was making her
sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a Doctor as she was concerned that
one day he was going to fart his guts out. The years went by and he continued to
rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was downstairs preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had just put the turkey innards and neck, gizzards, liver and all
the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
went upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and gently pulling back
the bed covers she slid down his underpants at the back and emptied the
bowl of turkey guts into them.
Several hours later she heard her husband waken with his
usual arise ripping trumpeting and this was followed by a blood curdling scream
and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing with tears in her eyes. After years of torture she
reckoned she had got her own back.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I
didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean," asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out and today it finally happened. But ... by the grace of God,
some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of
the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little
boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she
sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts.
"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up
believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he
gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she
invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and
grinding on the sofa, she says,
"You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have
teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her
legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies,
"Well, with the condition of those gums , I'm not surprised!"
An old country doctor was called out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was really far away and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother
and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a
lantern high so that he could see while he helped the woman deliver the
baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom
to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!" the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't
have crawled up there in the first place!"
Andy & Adam were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three.
After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Andy came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take
the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Adam's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers", said Andy to the bartender. They downed
them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money. All of a sudden, Andy got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Adam's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.
They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs, or more. "I just can't do this anymore", Andy whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much."
"It's all right for you", Adam replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse called.
Three Italian Nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies you all led such wonderful
lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be
anyone you would like to be."
The first Nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and "poof" she's
gone.
The second Nun says, "I want to be Madonna," and "poof" she's gone.
The third Nun say's, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"
St. Peter looks complexed. "Who?," he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the Nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't
ring a bell."
The Nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says.... "No, sister, this say's 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in
six months.
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time
and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't
let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that but,
don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to
like that but, don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have
his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do
that,
it will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
Upon returning home, later that night, the girl could not wait to tell
her grandmother about the date. She told her grandmother that her
date went just like she said. Then she noted, "I did not let him
disgrace
the family. When he tried to do that, I just got on top of him and
disgraced his family!"
It's the first day of school and a new student, the son of
a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
he saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his
hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the
people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about
its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna
puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of
his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to
talk to a youngster, the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice
whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child
would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message
with the person who should
be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone else there in your house?" The
boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to
Daddy and Mommy and the
fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard
what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now
alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The
search team just landed in the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little
frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along
with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
25. The Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face absolutely covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge
forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him
tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked."Yes, YES, YES !!!!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking" didn't"